Ralph the Genius
by JohnnyLurg
Summary: There's more to Ralph Wiggum's mind than meets the eye-or is there?
1. Chapter 1

Springfield Elementary psychotherapist J. Loren Pryor looked over the pudgy, stringy-haired boy, who had been temporarily removed from Ms. Elizabeth Hoover's second grade class for all too frequent disturbances. The boy, one Ralph Wiggum, was proceeding to stuff Pryor's Rorschach tests up his left nostril when Dr. Pryor had an epiphany.

"Ralph, it seems that Mrs. Hoover and Principal Skinner alike have horribly overlooked your giftedness!" said Dr. Pryor, firmly grasping Ralph's voluminous permanent record, which he proceeded to sift through. Your limitless imagination, epitomized by your cartoon creations 'Wiggle Puppy' and that nameless arsonist of a leprechaun, coupled by your family's high intellect—not any idiot can be Chief of Springfield Police—prove that your classroom troubles are the product of boredom, not mere stupidity! So, Ralph, how would you like to join Springfield's branch of MENSA, a high-IQ society frequented by well-respected intellectuals like Springfield Heights Institute of Technology professor John Frink and business executive Lindsay Naegle, not to mention Android's Dungeon proprietor Jeffrey Albertson?"

"The teddy bears are changing," replied Ralph.


	2. Chapter 2

When Ralph Wiggum reached Springfield's MENSA, he naturally found Comic Book Guy, Lindsay Naegle, and Dr. Julius Hibbert's attitudes to be quite condescending, but found himself a kindred spirit in the quirky, socially awkward Professor John Frink. After trying on a pair of hamburger earmuffs and drawing a bunch of frinkahedrons, Ralph followed Frink to his not-so secret laboratory at Springfield Heights Institute of Technology.

"Say, Ralphie boy, how would you like to taste my new carbonated concoction, Quantum Cola, what with the fizz and the empty calories and the *shmoikel corbin*?" asked Professor Frink.

"Quantum makes me burp," said Ralph. "Daddy says I sound like Barney the Dinosaur."

"Well, *ng hey*, then," said Frink.

Suddenly, someone knocked on Frink's laboratory door. Frink's twitching hand opened the lab, revealing a strange blue bald man.

"Dr. Colossus?" asked a shocked Frink. "Well, I haven't seen you since my son Max's bris, what with the cutting of the tip and the mohel and the 'ow, that was painful'…"

"Yes, I'm aware of what a bris is," responded the blue man. "I've come to inform you that our mutual arch-nemesis Hank Scorpio has created a second Doomsday Device, one which is currently set to destroy Springfield. I know we've had disagreements in the past about the handling of chemical weapons, but I'm afraid your pacifism will have to wait while Scorpio is at large."

"Well, this is a dilly of a pickle," said Frink.

"Daddy said I should leave my pickle alone when other people are around," said Ralph.

"Who is this little tyke?" asked Dr. Colossus, extending his blue hand to shake with that of the youngster, who instead inserted three fingers into the same nostril.

"Why, this is little Ralph Wiggum, son of Springfield Chief of Police Clancy Wiggum and ordinary housewife Sarah Wiggum. He's the newest and youngest member of Springfield MENSA, *herkel hey, hoy floy*."

"Wiggum, eh? I wonder if this whiz kid could help us out," said Colossus. "You see, I've created my own device aimed at Cypress Creek's Globex Corporation, which would neutralize any damage caused by Scorpio's Doomsday Device and force him to stick to terrorizing James Bont instead of innocent Springfield residents like us. After silver nitrate poisoning from his first Doomsday Device caused my skin to turn a permanent hue of blue, I will take no guff from Scorpio."

"Guff enough, *moo ha!*" said Professor Frink. "So how can the boy help us out, *shnerkel skeevin*?"

"Well, Dr. Frink, my device is missing one crucial ingredient, a moon rock," said Colossus.

"I found a moon rock in my nose," said Ralph, and finally took the three fingers out of his nose, revealing the missing ingredient for Dr. Colossus' device.

"Yes, yes! This is what I've been looking for all along! This Wiggum tyke sure is brilliant, much unlike his old man! He tried arresting me for not letting him into the Blue Man Group, after I told him seventeen times that I had no affiliation with said group. Thank you!" And without another word, Dr. Colossus disappeared from the laboratory.

"If that wasn't a real moon rock, we're all screwed, *glavin freunleven," said Frink.

"My cat jumped over the moon," said Ralph.


End file.
